A few months ago I decided it was time for me to quit drinking and dry out for a bit. I had gotten into the habit of drinking on a daily basis and was having a hard time breaking that habit. When I say drinking on a daily basis I'm not talking falling down passed out in a pool of puke and urine drunk every night. I was however consuming anywhere from 2-4 drinks nearly every day and drinking in excess of that a few nights a week.
I'd been seeing the tell tale signs that things were getting out of control for quite awhile before I actually quit. Obviously there was some denial going on. Since Trixie doesn't drink and I am pretty asocial most of my drinking was done alone. I would often tell myself I was just going to have a glass of wine then end up polishing off the bottle. I was hiding how much I was drinking from Trixie. I was feeling burned out and drinking was becoming less enjoyable and more part of the routine.
I tried cutting back on my drinking a few times which worked for maybe a week or two. Eventually,though I found myself falling back into the same old routine. So, after having a drunken blowout argument with Trixie, I decided to go cold turkey, something I knew I had to do but kept putting off.
I've been sober now for 3 months. It's the longest stretch that I've gone without a drink since I was probably 14 or 15 years old. I'm just now starting to really feel some of the benefits of sobriety. My body feels much better, healthier and cleaner. I feel more mentally alert and present. My thoughts are clearer and my dreams more vivid. My relationship with Trixie has improved.
I still do have urges to drink from time to time. Mostly in social situations or when I'm doing cam shows. The times where I might feel a little awkward and want lose my inhibitions a bit or simply get my groove on. I'm working through it though.
I hope that someday I'll be able go back to the casual drinking habits I enjoyed for at least part of my adult life. Because I do enjoy having a glass of wine with a nice meal or a cold beer after doing some yard work or a little champagne to celebrate a special event. For now though, like Rachel Kramer Bussel wrote at the beginning of the year, I'm taking it one day at a time.
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Drinking during webcam work is an interesting topic. One that does not get discussed very much. I don't do it as a habit because I want to be fresh and focused but a drink does help me unwind and loosen up. I end up being a bit more passionate during shows when I have had a glass of wine before. Still, I want to avoid doing that or feeling I need it because I want to be having sex and doing my sex work in a fully consensual way. Alcohol in my opinion interferes with that.
So good on you for making this decision. Rachel's essay also inspired me about making similar sober decisions.
Yeah, I guess drinking on the job is never really a good idea no matter what you're doing. When I used to play live music a lot I kind of fell into the same habit. Two or three drinks and I would usually find that sweet spot, much more than that and it tended to get a little sloppy.
