Well it's been a pretty busy and exciting week around here. On Thursday I went over to Seattle to add to my collection a the sperm bank. On Friday I had a laser hair removal session on my face and neck. It will probably be the last full session I have. I'll just have to go in for touch ups now and then. The big news though is that I started hormone therapy on Friday too. So I expect to experience a few changes in the near future. Exciting times to say the least.
I also had a pretty awful experience on Friday involving alcohol. I quit drinking back in November and had managed to remain sober for a good 6 months. The past few months I've been slipping though and had been trying my best to hide it from Trixie. On Friday I ended up drinking too much. Nothing terrible happened other than the embarrassment of being confronted by a loved one, but the potential was there. I realize now that I need help if I plan on staying sober and that having a drink every now and then just isn't going to cut it for me. So I've started attending AA meetings to help get me back on track. Overall I think it's going to be a good thing. At least I'll be able to start HRT out on the right foot.
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A few months ago I decided it was time for me to quit drinking and dry out for a bit. I had gotten into the habit of drinking on a daily basis and was having a hard time breaking that habit. When I say drinking on a daily basis I'm not talking falling down passed out in a pool of puke and urine drunk every night. I was however consuming anywhere from 2-4 drinks nearly every day and drinking in excess of that a few nights a week.
I'd been seeing the tell tale signs that things were getting out of control for quite awhile before I actually quit. Obviously there was some denial going on. Since Trixie doesn't drink and I am pretty asocial most of my drinking was done alone. I would often tell myself I was just going to have a glass of wine then end up polishing off the bottle. I was hiding how much I was drinking from Trixie. I was feeling burned out and drinking was becoming less enjoyable and more part of the routine.
I tried cutting back on my drinking a few times which worked for maybe a week or two. Eventually,though I found myself falling back into the same old routine. So, after having a drunken blowout argument with Trixie, I decided to go cold turkey, something I knew I had to do but kept putting off.
I've been sober now for 3 months. It's the longest stretch that I've gone without a drink since I was probably 14 or 15 years old. I'm just now starting to really feel some of the benefits of sobriety. My body feels much better, healthier and cleaner. I feel more mentally alert and present. My thoughts are clearer and my dreams more vivid. My relationship with Trixie has improved.
I still do have urges to drink from time to time. Mostly in social situations or when I'm doing cam shows. The times where I might feel a little awkward and want lose my inhibitions a bit or simply get my groove on. I'm working through it though.
I hope that someday I'll be able go back to the casual drinking habits I enjoyed for at least part of my adult life. Because I do enjoy having a glass of wine with a nice meal or a cold beer after doing some yard work or a little champagne to celebrate a special event. For now though, like Rachel Kramer Bussel wrote at the beginning of the year, I'm taking it one day at a time.
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