Hormones! I feel like my body is really starting to feel the effects of being on hormones for almost four months now. It seems like there are a lot of little changes that have been happening at a really gradual rate. At times it feels like watching paint dry or something. Slowly breasts are starting to emerge from my flattened chest. My skin has been getting softer and smoother. My hair feels like it's softer, less coarse, and a bit more shiny. My ass is beginning to round out a bit and my facial features are starting to soften some.
I've also been having this strange sensation lately, like something is stirring inside me at an emotional level. I know it sounds a bit trite but I feel kind of like I'm just waking up after a long sleep or the fog is finally starting to lift. I'm starting to feel more in tune. Sometimes it seems like I can feel the estrogen moving through my veins and pulsing through my body. Kind of a faint tingling sensation that makes me feel like I'm more alive. I feel like my whole body is resonating at a higher frequency, where it should have been long ago. Like things are starting to sync up on a bunch of different levels.
When I first hit puberty and my body started cranking out the testosterone my brain was like WTF? It's like somehow the wires got crossed and my brain started to function differently. Parts of my mind shut down. I became more socially isolated. My verbal communication skills began to dwindle. I began to lose touch with my feelings growing more and more emotionally numb. I spent less time with others and more time on my own. My whole outlook on life was apathetic. I knew something was wrong but I had no idea what it was or even how to express what it was that I was feeling.
I know that puberty is a really hard part of anyone's life but for me it was especially hard. My parents could see it and were concerned enough to send me to a shrink. I only saw him a few times and never trusted him enough to talk to him about my crossdressing habits. I think I just thought he would blab to my parents and I would end up getting in trouble for it so I just told him what I thought he wanted to hear; just enough to get him off my back so I wouldn't have to go see him any more.
When I first starting telling people that I had started HRT a few transsexual friends said "Welcome to second puberty". I think in a large part this is like going through a second puberty. I also feel like the initial stage of it is wiping out some of the damage done by my first bout with puberty. Kind of like I'm reversing my male puberty while I'm starting my female puberty. So today I feel like I'm close to where those two intersect at some kind of hormonal crossroads. Like I've reached equilibrium between the amount of testostorone and estrogen in my body and now I'm ready for the second puberty to really kick in.
Of course there are other factors in my life right now that are contributing to this sense of overall well being. I quit drinking and started on a path of recovery from alcoholism at the same time I started on HRT. So sobriety has given me a new outlook on life as well. I also feel like I've been reconnecting and growing a bit spiritually which is another positive factor in my life. Overall though things just seem to heading in the right direction in my life for the first time in a very long time.
2008 Tranny Awards
Something else exciting going on in my life is getting nominated for the 2008 Tranny Awards. I just wanted to thank all of you who went over and voted for me during the pre-nomintaions. I'm pretty excited and honored to be in the running for an award in the "Best TG Amateur Style Website" category. Here's the rundown of the other nominees:
It's a nice collection of sites. I was a little surprised to see some TS sites mixed in there when I first looked over the list, since they also have a "Best Solo TS Paysite or Paysite Operated by a TS" with the following sites nominated:
But they did include a asterisk with the following explanation: * these sites were selected into this category and not the Solo TS Paysite either because the model wasn't somebody who mainly worked as a "porn performer" or it's a very personal website - most of the sites in the other category are aided by larger companies whereas the "Amateur Style" is also for models who run more of the website themselves.
Which does make sense since some of the solo TS models don't actually have much input into there sites or the sites are run big production companies with fat budgets. But on the other hand a few of the sites in the "amateur style" category do have other companies doing design and promotion work for them and aren't run completely by the models themselves. So I think they need to refine the parameters a little in the future to better define the categories. I think they are off to a pretty good start though, considering all the obstacles.