I've been feeling a little shift in gears in my transition recently. Kind of like I'm settling into it a bit. Like when you hit cruising gear after accelerating for awhile. Or maybe it's just 2nd or 3rd gear or something.
Once again this year Trixie and I attended a local transgender conference. The past two years we've only been able to be there for the weekend. We also were one of the couples on a panel discussion on TG relationships. This year it was just us and one other couple, a female to male (FTM) transsexual and his female partner. It was interesting to hear things from the other perspective, especially the shift in sexual identity within the couple. In some ways it was a reversal of what we are going through as a couple. Although Trixie and I both identify as pansexual/omnisexual so I don't think our own sexual identities have really shifted much. The way we are perceived as a couple by society has shifted though from a hetero couple to lesbian, the exact opposite of what the other couple was going through.
I also attended a great little workshop while we were there on feminizing your voice with Kathe Perez. Kathe is a Speech-Language Pathologist who specializes in voice feminization. I did a one on one session with her too later in the day which was really cool. Nice to get some feedback and a few tips and pointers as well as some take home exercises. She has a CD series, Fundamentals of Your Feminine Voice, that I picked up while I was there also. I haven't made my way through the whole set yet but it seems like it has some pretty good tips and exercises. I think it's really going to help me focus on the the areas I need to improve in order to have a more natural feminine sounding voice. Eventually I would like my singing voice to have a feminine ring to it too. I haven't been playing my guitar much lately because everytime I start to sing something my male voice comes through and it just sounds weird to me and freaks me out a little.
Speaking of things that are natural and feminine . . . my boobs seem to really be starting to shape up. This picture and the one up top are from my latest members update. There are some really beautiful shots in this set. We took them right around sunset so they have a nice warm glow to them :-)
TGIF! It's another addition of the all new $Five4Friday$ where I post five of my pictures and encourage you the people to make a $5.00 donation to my boob and FFS fund. This week I'll be continuing with the Christmas theme bringing you five pictures from my Xmas Leopard set.
Chip in is all about helping someone out with small contributions. I like to think of it like an office situation where they take up a collection for a fellow worker. I imagine myself sitting in my cubicle working away on a Friday afternoon. Suddenly I notice it's gotten quiet, except for a murmur coming from the break room. When I decide to go investigate I am greeted with a surprise gathering with cake and mylar balloons. A co-worker cuts through the crowd and announces, "We heard what you were going through so me and the gang took up a collection", handing my an envelope he says, "It's not much, but hopefully it will help out a little." Bursting into tears, I am then surrounded by a big group hug. Then everyone eats cake and gets to go home early. Awwwww. That's sort of how I imagine it anyway. But since I'm self employed and the only person I work with is Trixie, I kind of have to rely on the old chip in plan or wait for the right sugar daddy to come along ;-) So if anyone feels like donating a five spot for my cause it would be greatly appreciated! Thank You!!!
Hormones! I feel like my body is really starting to feel the effects of being on hormones for almost four months now. It seems like there are a lot of little changes that have been happening at a really gradual rate. At times it feels like watching paint dry or something. Slowly breasts are starting to emerge from my flattened chest. My skin has been getting softer and smoother. My hair feels like it's softer, less coarse, and a bit more shiny. My ass is beginning to round out a bit and my facial features are starting to soften some.
I've also been having this strange sensation lately, like something is stirring inside me at an emotional level. I know it sounds a bit trite but I feel kind of like I'm just waking up after a long sleep or the fog is finally starting to lift. I'm starting to feel more in tune. Sometimes it seems like I can feel the estrogen moving through my veins and pulsing through my body. Kind of a faint tingling sensation that makes me feel like I'm more alive. I feel like my whole body is resonating at a higher frequency, where it should have been long ago. Like things are starting to sync up on a bunch of different levels.
When I first hit puberty and my body started cranking out the testosterone my brain was like WTF? It's like somehow the wires got crossed and my brain started to function differently. Parts of my mind shut down. I became more socially isolated. My verbal communication skills began to dwindle. I began to lose touch with my feelings growing more and more emotionally numb. I spent less time with others and more time on my own. My whole outlook on life was apathetic. I knew something was wrong but I had no idea what it was or even how to express what it was that I was feeling.
I know that puberty is a really hard part of anyone's life but for me it was especially hard. My parents could see it and were concerned enough to send me to a shrink. I only saw him a few times and never trusted him enough to talk to him about my crossdressing habits. I think I just thought he would blab to my parents and I would end up getting in trouble for it so I just told him what I thought he wanted to hear; just enough to get him off my back so I wouldn't have to go see him any more.
When I first starting telling people that I had started HRT a few transsexual friends said "Welcome to second puberty". I think in a large part this is like going through a second puberty. I also feel like the initial stage of it is wiping out some of the damage done by my first bout with puberty. Kind of like I'm reversing my male puberty while I'm starting my female puberty. So today I feel like I'm close to where those two intersect at some kind of hormonal crossroads. Like I've reached equilibrium between the amount of testostorone and estrogen in my body and now I'm ready for the second puberty to really kick in.
Of course there are other factors in my life right now that are contributing to this sense of overall well being. I quit drinking and started on a path of recovery from alcoholism at the same time I started on HRT. So sobriety has given me a new outlook on life as well. I also feel like I've been reconnecting and growing a bit spiritually which is another positive factor in my life. Overall though things just seem to heading in the right direction in my life for the first time in a very long time.
2008 Tranny Awards
Something else exciting going on in my life is getting nominated for the 2008 Tranny Awards. I just wanted to thank all of you who went over and voted for me during the pre-nomintaions. I'm pretty excited and honored to be in the running for an award in the "Best TG Amateur Style Website" category. Here's the rundown of the other nominees:
It's a nice collection of sites. I was a little surprised to see some TS sites mixed in there when I first looked over the list, since they also have a "Best Solo TS Paysite or Paysite Operated by a TS" with the following sites nominated:
But they did include a asterisk with the following explanation: * these sites were selected into this category and not the Solo TS Paysite either because the model wasn't somebody who mainly worked as a "porn performer" or it's a very personal website - most of the sites in the other category are aided by larger companies whereas the "Amateur Style" is also for models who run more of the website themselves.
Which does make sense since some of the solo TS models don't actually have much input into there sites or the sites are run big production companies with fat budgets. But on the other hand a few of the sites in the "amateur style" category do have other companies doing design and promotion work for them and aren't run completely by the models themselves. So I think they need to refine the parameters a little in the future to better define the categories. I think they are off to a pretty good start though, considering all the obstacles.
I've been trying to think of some new ways to raise money for my boob and ffs fund lately. I've had the chip in (see sidebar) up for a few weeks now and people are starting to use it but nowhere near the rate I was hoping for. So, one of the ideas I came up with is this special weekly blog entry called $Five for Friday$. I'll be posting five of my favorite pictures from selected galleries and encouraging people to make a $5.00 contribution. The whole idea of chip in is to reach a monetary goal with lots of little donations. Of course you can contribute more or less if you like - or - skip it for now and just enjoy some free pics. I'm going to kick things off with some special holiday pictures we took last year with our super cool (at least we thought so) pink Christmas tree.
Since this is the first week I'll be doing this and I'm feeling the joyous holiday spirit I'm also going to throw in a little sample video from this shoot. You can see just how much I love my satin maribou slippers!!
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So . . . not to beat this thing to death or anything but . . . this is the $5.00 part of the $Five4Friday$ and your chance to contribute:
I was so excited yesterday when I got an email from Krissy from Krissy4U.com announcing that she would be donating 5% of her December sales to my boob and ffs fund. Krissy is from Portland and runs her own independent tg website like me. She puts her heart and soul into everything she does and it shows. It's such a great feeling to be getting that kind of support from within the industry especially from someone in the same little niche that we both occupy. I know many of you already know what a great job she does with her site but if you've never seen her site be sure to stop by and check it out.
Speaking of t-girls from Portland I wanted to let everyone know that the video that I shot with Mandy is now posted and available in my member's area. I posted it a few weeks ago but somehow forgot to mention it here. Here's a few stills I grabbed from the video.
I'll be doing two post Thanksgiving cam shows this week on Friday and Saturday. Members can check our schedule for details.
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So I've been thinking a lot lately about having breast augmentation as well as facial feminization surgery (FFS) done. Some of you might have even noticed the new little chip-in widget on the sidebar. I set my monetary goal a little on the high side and will adjust it after having a few consultations and finally settling on a doctor. Then I'll be able to give a full break down of the costs.
My Boobs I'm still going to wait and see how much growth I get from hormones alone. I want my nipples and areaolas to be fully developed before I have any surgery done. I also want to give my skin a chance to stretch and expand as much as possible so once I do have implants they'll have a little something to work with.
As far as size goes I'm still a little undecided. I have a pretty large frame (average though tall for a male, large for a female) so the temptation is to go big, like D - DD. The thought of having big porn star boobs does have a certain appeal to me. I have to admit that it turns me on a bit to think about it and I have fantasized about having a huge rack before. My inclination though is to go a little larger than average like in the C cup range. Something that will look sexy and give me some nice cleavage but not be over the top or obscenely huge. Something that might turn a few heads but not cause any slack jawed gawking.
My Face The face is a little trickier. I know some of you think I have a pretty face as is and shouldn't alter it at all. I actually don't hate the way I look now. There are times when I look in the mirror and do feel pretty and happy with how feminine my face already looks. A few of my features however are very masculine and no matter how long I am on hormones those features will never change. They are the types of things that I would look at if I was trying to figure out if someone else was trans or not. It's another reason I didn't transition earlier in life. I truly thought that with my facial features there was just no way that I would be even be close to passable. I learned about FFS procedures about 10 years ago and it did give me some hope. But money was always an issue with me. I've spent most of my life just scraping by so the thought of even affording a procedure like that just seemed out of the question.
My two biggest areas of concern on my face are my brow and jaw. I have a pretty prominent brow bone with large superciliary arches. My ex-wife and I used to jokingly refer to it as my cromagnum forehead. You can really notice it on my profile and when overhead light is reflecting off of it. It also casts a shadow over my eyes and gives them a more sunken, brooding appearance.
I would like to have my brow recontoured using a procedure like the one mentioned here, where they basically reconstruct or fill in the frontal sinus lobe. A brow lift is also performed at this time in most cases. That would have the dual effect of bringing my eyebrows up to a more feminine position and decreasing wrinkles and frown lines on my forehead. The scalp is also advanced to create a more feminine hairline and decrease the length of the face.
I actually really like my nose. It's not that huge and is slightly upturned at the end. I've never considered having rhinoplasty done. However, most doctors recommend having some nose work done after major brow surgery. That's mostly to correct the angle and proportion.
I also have a very square and masculine looking jaw. It's probably the feature that I received the most compliments on as a male. So ideally I would like have it rounded out and narrowed a bit.
I don't have a huge chin but, again I would like to have it rounded and reduced a bit so it's closer to a female's proportion.
I have a fairly large Adam's Apple, though it doesn't stick out too badly. I've learned to do a few things to minimize it's appearance. It's still a pretty obvious tell on me. So having thyroid cartilage reduction (trach shave) is one more thing I would like to have done.
Hormones can have softening effect on facial features There are certain things however that will never change no matter how long you are on hormones, like the shape and size of your skull and jaw. I've heard a lot of transgender women say that having FFS done was the best decision and investment they ever made. There are a few horror stories out there and a few people on the fence as to whether it was worth it or not. I feel that I do have pretty good bone structure to start with and having these procedures done would really improve my look resulting in a much more feminine looking face. I think it could also increase my earning potential and longevity in the adult entertainment industry as well as open up a few new doors of opportunity.
So now all I have to do is save up some serious dough - thus the chip-in widget. If you feel like contributing to what *I* think is a worthy cause it would be greatly appreciated. 5 bucks, 10 bucks, 20 bucks, 100 bucks, 1000 bucks, every little bit helps. Be the first one to pop my chip-in cherry!!
If anyone has had FFS done please email me. I would love to hear about your experience and I have a few questions about different doctors and costs.
I'll leave you with this advice from one transwoman about whether or not to have FFS:
"Do it! Besides getting married, FFS was the single best decision I've ever made for myself. It's made my life immeasurably better. People smile at me more, and are more positive and sharing when talking to me. I don't have to worry about passing, or makeup - I can wake up in the morning, throw on a t-shirt, and head to the local convenience store without having to worry about having the right makeup on. I feel safer, knowing that I don't have to worry as much about harassment/assault because I look trans. I also feel much better about myself - I don't worry nearly as much about seeing "the old me" in the mirror."
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