So I went to a new hairdresser this week because I wanted to find someone who knows how to cut curly hair a little better than the person that I had been going to. I've been procrastinating a bit on this because I was totally out to my old hairdresser. I always presented as a female when I went to her but she knows that I am a transsexual so there was never any of the awkward tension that I sometimes feel when I'm around people who don't know that I am trans. I know it shouldn't matter to me what people think and I should just be myself, do my thing and to hell with what anybody else thinks about it. But the truth is I still get hung up on whether I am "passable" or not in social settings and how people are perceiving me.
I've gotten to the point now where I can usually tell the moment someone clocks my T. There's a certain look of recognition I notice in the eyes and face, followed by a shift in their demeanor and tone in their voice. The first few times it happened I think I let it really get to me. I would have a deer in the headlights type of reaction for a split second and then try to finish up whatever it was that I was doing and get out of where ever I was asap with as little eye contact as possible. It was an instinctual reaction that I felt at a gut level. At times I felt betrayed by my adrenal system. I could feel my heartbeat quicken and face get warmer as I slipped into flight or fight mode.
I know that reaction sends the wrong message to people. It tells them that I am ashamed or embarrassed by who I am, that I am doing something wrong and it probably reinforces a sense of moral superiority in some people. I'm starting to get over it though and slowly learning not to let it shake me or at least not to show it if it does.
So a few days ago I went to see my new hairdresser. I should mention that the woman that I was originally going to had her own shop where she was the only one doing hair. It was very much a one on one situation. The place that I'm going to now is more of a salon and day spa experience with multiple chairs, hooded hair dryers, a big washing and rinsing sink, the works.
Before I left for my appointment I was feeling confident in my overall appearance. I had a nice day look going on with my make up. I was wearing a tank top with a long sleeved shirt over it and a long skirt. Trixie convinced me to ditch the flats that I was wearing and go with my boots. I'm still a pretty self-conscious of my height and the boots add a few inches but definitely were a better match for the outfit.
In the parking lot I checked myself one more time in the rear view mirror before heading into the salon. On the way there a women stopped me on the street and asked me where a good place to get sea food was, so obviously I was looking friendly and approachable. Once inside I had to wait a few minutes for my stylist to finish up with a client. The receptionist offered me some coffee or water while I thumbed through some fashion magazines. I declined because I didn't want to have to get up and pee right in the middle of everything. Finally my stylist was ready for me and lead me back to her chair after a friendly introduction.
Nice, I had a chair back by the corner window with a great view of the water. She put draped the cape over me and attached around my neck then asked me what I wanted to have done with my hair. I told her and after a brief discussion she got started. She spun me around in the chair so I was facing the mirror and that's when my mind started in. I looked up and saw my big male face staring back at me. With my hair pulled back the overhead lights were glaring down on my thick arches of my brow bone. With the black cape pulled up around my neck my masculine jaw and chin seemed even more prominent. As the stylist started foiling in some color for my highlights we engaged in a little casual conversation but all I could think about was whether or not she had clocked me yet. I tried to relax and kept telling myself it didn't matter but it was hard not to wonder.
The conversation continued. Something about boots - did I say cowBOY boots? I meant to say cowGIRL boots. Oh dear God she must know now. She spun me around so I was facing the rest of the room. Two other women were getting their hair done. I suddenly felt like all eyes were on me as they sized me up. Finally she spun me back around. A minute later someone burst into laughter. Obviously someone had cracked some kind of joke about me, I mean what other explanation could there be.
Finally the highlights were done and my hair was ready to be rinsed out. As I leaned back in the chair by the sink I felt my neck stretch out while my head tilted back. I swallowed once and felt my adam's apple bobbing up and down. It must have been obvious to her at that point. I mean it was right there in her face. As I walked back over to the chair for my cut there was some chatting and giggling going on between the receptionist and another stylist. Again I was convinced that I was obviously the topic of their conversation.
She finished up with the cut and set my hair in nice curly style, all the while complimenting me on my beautiful ringlets. After sitting under the dryer for awhile I made my way back to the chair once again for the final inspection. She had done a great job and staring back at me in the mirror was my old feminine looking self once again. As I walked back up to the front to pay, one of the other stylists remarked on how beautiful my hair looked and even went so far as to say I looked like a model. I have a feeling they all knew that I was trans by the time I left but in the end it didn't really matter. I had the cut and look I was hoping for, everyone was really nice to me and I now have someone who knows how to do my hair the way I like it rather than settling for someone who I was unsatisfied with.
I know I let some things get to me that I shouldn't and I am starting to get better with it. I do think being on hormones has helped me feel more relaxed and confident. I still really want to have some facial surgery done soon though. I think it would do wonders for my self esteem. Until I can save up enough though I'll just have to get by with what I have and keep working at it.
I've been making G rated versions of the Trans Vlog entries that I post in my members area for YouTube for quite awhile now. I've only posted a few here in my blog but here is the latest.
It corresponds with my last entry. They're not quite as interesting without the visual on my naked budding breasts but if anyone wants to see the rest of them you can check out my YouTube Channel and subscribe if you like. But if you want to see my naked budding breasts you'll have to sign up to my site ;-)
Last week I had yet another laser hair removal session done on my face and neck area. It's pretty well cleared by now but there are still a few little stubborn spots that need a little extra attention. The place that I was going to originally closed their branch and the next closest one ended up being too far away, which sucks because I was suppose to get half off on follow up treatments with them. But I found another place near by that also does laser that opened up just after I started with mine. After going there once I wish I had been going there all along. They did an awesome job, treated me great AND charged only a fraction of what I had been paying. So I probably would be totally done with this by now and paid half or less of what I have had I been going there all along. Blarghhh!
So I've been on hormones now for about 4 and a half months. I think I mentioned before that I do have a better overall sense of well being. I haven't had any noticeable mood swings or overwhelming emotional responses to things but people keep telling me just wait, lol. One thing I have noticed though is that my orgasms are starting to become more intense. They seem to take a little longer to build up and come from a place a little deeper within me. When they hit it they seem to last a little longer. It's kind of hard to describe but it is a slightly different sensation.
I finally quit going to the gym. It was just getting too weird for me. I felt strange in the locker with my little budding breasts. I know I would feel uncomfortable being in the women's locker room this early in my transition. Plus most of the people there only knew me in "boy mode". I felt like I was getting funny looks from people too. Like they weren't quite sure if I was male or female. I know a few people there know that I'm trans and it's a small town so it's likely that even more people there know. I may still try to work something out with the owner but for now I'm kind of enjoying just getting some exercise here at home and being outside more.
I feel really good about having that last little "reason" for being in boy mode out of the way. It was really starting to weigh me down.
I'll be doing a cam show tonight at 8:00 pm Pacific Time on Rude. Hope you can join me!!!
Hormones! I feel like my body is really starting to feel the effects of being on hormones for almost four months now. It seems like there are a lot of little changes that have been happening at a really gradual rate. At times it feels like watching paint dry or something. Slowly breasts are starting to emerge from my flattened chest. My skin has been getting softer and smoother. My hair feels like it's softer, less coarse, and a bit more shiny. My ass is beginning to round out a bit and my facial features are starting to soften some.
I've also been having this strange sensation lately, like something is stirring inside me at an emotional level. I know it sounds a bit trite but I feel kind of like I'm just waking up after a long sleep or the fog is finally starting to lift. I'm starting to feel more in tune. Sometimes it seems like I can feel the estrogen moving through my veins and pulsing through my body. Kind of a faint tingling sensation that makes me feel like I'm more alive. I feel like my whole body is resonating at a higher frequency, where it should have been long ago. Like things are starting to sync up on a bunch of different levels.
When I first hit puberty and my body started cranking out the testosterone my brain was like WTF? It's like somehow the wires got crossed and my brain started to function differently. Parts of my mind shut down. I became more socially isolated. My verbal communication skills began to dwindle. I began to lose touch with my feelings growing more and more emotionally numb. I spent less time with others and more time on my own. My whole outlook on life was apathetic. I knew something was wrong but I had no idea what it was or even how to express what it was that I was feeling.
I know that puberty is a really hard part of anyone's life but for me it was especially hard. My parents could see it and were concerned enough to send me to a shrink. I only saw him a few times and never trusted him enough to talk to him about my crossdressing habits. I think I just thought he would blab to my parents and I would end up getting in trouble for it so I just told him what I thought he wanted to hear; just enough to get him off my back so I wouldn't have to go see him any more.
When I first starting telling people that I had started HRT a few transsexual friends said "Welcome to second puberty". I think in a large part this is like going through a second puberty. I also feel like the initial stage of it is wiping out some of the damage done by my first bout with puberty. Kind of like I'm reversing my male puberty while I'm starting my female puberty. So today I feel like I'm close to where those two intersect at some kind of hormonal crossroads. Like I've reached equilibrium between the amount of testostorone and estrogen in my body and now I'm ready for the second puberty to really kick in.
Of course there are other factors in my life right now that are contributing to this sense of overall well being. I quit drinking and started on a path of recovery from alcoholism at the same time I started on HRT. So sobriety has given me a new outlook on life as well. I also feel like I've been reconnecting and growing a bit spiritually which is another positive factor in my life. Overall though things just seem to heading in the right direction in my life for the first time in a very long time.
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2008 Tranny Awards
Something else exciting going on in my life is getting nominated for the 2008 Tranny Awards. I just wanted to thank all of you who went over and voted for me during the pre-nomintaions. I'm pretty excited and honored to be in the running for an award in the "Best TG Amateur Style Website" category. Here's the rundown of the other nominees:
It's a nice collection of sites. I was a little surprised to see some TS sites mixed in there when I first looked over the list, since they also have a "Best Solo TS Paysite or Paysite Operated by a TS" with the following sites nominated:
But they did include a asterisk with the following explanation: * these sites were selected into this category and not the Solo TS Paysite either because the model wasn't somebody who mainly worked as a "porn performer" or it's a very personal website - most of the sites in the other category are aided by larger companies whereas the "Amateur Style" is also for models who run more of the website themselves.
Which does make sense since some of the solo TS models don't actually have much input into there sites or the sites are run big production companies with fat budgets. But on the other hand a few of the sites in the "amateur style" category do have other companies doing design and promotion work for them and aren't run completely by the models themselves. So I think they need to refine the parameters a little in the future to better define the categories. I think they are off to a pretty good start though, considering all the obstacles.
Back Home We had a good little trip down to Portland earlier this week. I needed to see my doctor before getting a refill on my hormones and also wanted to see about upping the dosage. We decided to go down a bit early so we could get some shoots in while we were there. Including this one with Mandy:
I hardly ever shoot with other people so I felt a little bit awkward at times. But once we started getting into I felt a little more at ease. It's hard when you are shooting with someone as pretty and svelte as Mandy not to feel like a clumsy oaf at times, but most of the pictures turned out pretty good. And the video . . . I don't want to ruin any surprises but . . . ummmmmm, yeah . . . pretty, pretty, pretty . . . hawt!
Anyway, Mandy was a delight to work with and editing all that footage should keep me busy for a little bit. Right now I'm busy editing another really nice solo set with more of a Halloween theme to it.
But before I get too far into it I'm going to take a little break and make a batch of chicken enchilada soup!
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A few pics from my latest update. See the full 250 picture set in my members area:
I feel like I've been really busy with things lately, some general "life" stuff and some business/website related stuff. One of the things I would like to improve on is taking a little time to blog about things as they happen or close to it. That way I don't end up with one huge blog entry that takes longer to write. I'm more likely to leave things out or gloss over them if I have to sit down and blog for longer periods of time.
One of the cooler things that I've been up to lately is creating a video log for my members area. I'm calling it my trans vlog. It's basically a way of creating a video documentation of my transition. I've done three entries now and it's been a month since I started on the 'mones. I originally wanted to do an entry every week but I want to keep it fresh and try not to let it to get too repetitive.
I decided to finally create a YouTube account to share some of the PG versions of my trans vlog with others and as yet another method of viral marketing. Yup, welcome to the new millennium. I had to cut out the nudity to conform to YouTube standards. So you don't get see the growth of my nipples, areolas, and boobies unless you are a member.
I feel like I need to start on some voice and speech training so I can sound a bit more feminine when I speak. I've never liked my male voice so I guess this is a good time to create a female voice that I might actually like. For anyone who doesn't know, female hormones have no effect on a male voice. Once you've cracked you can't go back. Testosterone for FTM's will create a deeper, huskier voice though.
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Well it's been a pretty busy and exciting week around here. On Thursday I went over to Seattle to add to my collection a the sperm bank. On Friday I had a laser hair removal session on my face and neck. It will probably be the last full session I have. I'll just have to go in for touch ups now and then. The big news though is that I started hormone therapy on Friday too. So I expect to experience a few changes in the near future. Exciting times to say the least.
I also had a pretty awful experience on Friday involving alcohol. I quit drinking back in November and had managed to remain sober for a good 6 months. The past few months I've been slipping though and had been trying my best to hide it from Trixie. On Friday I ended up drinking too much. Nothing terrible happened other than the embarrassment of being confronted by a loved one, but the potential was there. I realize now that I need help if I plan on staying sober and that having a drink every now and then just isn't going to cut it for me. So I've started attending AA meetings to help get me back on track. Overall I think it's going to be a good thing. At least I'll be able to start HRT out on the right foot.
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I know at times I'm not very clear or open about what's going on in my life. I can see how people might get confused or have the wrong impressions of what exactly it is that I'm going through. Sometimes I'll talk about things or think about things or have conversations about certain subjects and totally forget that the rest of the world hasn't been privy to any of it. Of course there are things that I don't want the whole world to be privy to, but that's not what I'm talking about here.
The other thing is that a lot of times I'll start blogging about something . . . not be able to complete it or explore the subject adequately . . . scrap it . . . then forget that I actually never published anything. I think it has a little therapeutic for me but, again, no one else really gains any insight. I also assume that a lot of people who read my blog also read Trixie's blog and gather info on what's going on with me through her.
These are just a few of the many things I've been thinking about lately and I'm not sure if I've really shared here or on Twitter or in emails or chat with people.
I still haven't come out to my parents and siblings. I've been thinking a lot about it lately with the recent death of my grandma. Trixie and I were in the Seattle area a few weeks ago visiting with an aunt, uncle, and cousins that were visiting for the week. None of them know yet that I am trans so it was a little strange sitting down and having dinner with them in DRAB and hoping there wouldn't be any slips in my mannerisms or Trixie wouldn't drop the wrong name or pronoun.
All in all it went well though I never really felt at ease during the whole visit. On the way back home I vowed to myself that that would be the last time I ever would put myself through something like that. I had already made an appointment with my therapist to work out a solid game plan for talking to my parents and coming out to my family. It's something that has really been weighing heavy on my mind lately. I feel a little relieved now that we have a good plan in place. It was also reassuring talking to someone who has helped people get through this sort of things countless times before.
We discussed timing a little bit and the advantages and disadvantages of being on HRT before talking to them. We were hoping that I would be on hormones and Trixie would have a bun in the oven when we had the whole conversation with my parents. Unfortunately the getting pregnant part has taken a lot more time and resources than we had originally planned on. So next month, baby on the way or not, I'll start on HRT. I'm going to put one last load of sperm into storage before hand. We're going to keep trying for the next few months and hope for the best. I know I can always back off the mones at some point if need be. At any rate I'll have a few months of being on hormones before talking to my parents about it which I think will help.
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It seems like recently I've been having a harder time "passing", though not in the way you might think. There are certain things that I still do in "boy mode" more or less out of necessity or convenience. Things like going to the gym which presents a bit of problem when it comes to showers, sauna, steam room, and bathroom facilities which are located in the locker rooms. I'll probably drop my membership after I start on hormones and look for other exercise options. But for now I've just been going in my "boy mode". This is usually consists of a pair of pants, a T-shirt, a baggy pull over fleece top, a puffy vest, and a ball cap with my hair pulled back in a pony tail. No one there has ever said anything about my vanishing facial hair, my smoothly shaven legs or my workout habits which consists of cardio and lower body training.
So lately my look has been kind of a boyish/androgynous one when I'm not intentionally trying to present as a female (i.e. with make up, hair styled, wearing a dress, skirt, bra and breast forms, etc.). I don't know why, but it was surprising to me when I started getting ma'amed and missed and referred to with feminine pronouns much more often in this boy/andro mode. A while back when I was shopping with Trixie the sales person asked how us ladies were doing. More recently a waitress asked, "What can I get for you ladies today?" while I was having lunch with Trixie's mom and sister. A sales person at the local hardware store asked me "Are you finding everything okay, ma'am?" just the other day. The ultimate compliment however, happened at the grocery when I totally got cruised by a butch dyke in the meat and seafood isle. That one had me grinning for the rest of the day.
This all has me thinking more about passing/blending and the amount of effort it really takes to be sucessful. When I am dressed in obviously feminine attire I don't seem to worry as much about some things like which restroom I should use. And when I'm in a more androgynous look I don't seem to be as conscious about how other people are perceiving me. I think once I start on hormones my somewhat exaggerated feminine look will start to merge with my andro/boyish look and I'll end up right about where I want to be. I guess that's already starting to happen. I'm just looking forward to the day when insides finally match up with my outsides.
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I'm a little ahead of the game on posting a Valentine's shoot this year. I posted a set of pictures last week and will be doing a video this week. We took them while we were in Portland a few weeks ago.
The main reason we were down in Portland was to meet with my doctor and make sure that everything was okay with me before starting on hormone replacement therapy. Everything went pretty well, though my liver function was a little off. They just want to keep an eye on it so I'll have to do another blood test in a month or so.
I'll be starting out with a fairly low dosage of estrogen (estradiol) and a testostorone "blocker" spironolactone. I've been taking regular aspirin to reduce the chance of any blood clotting but the Dr said I could just use the childrens chewable which is nice to know. So I have the prescriptions in hand now it's just a matter of getting pregnant. There is more on that subject here.
I had cancel my cam shows this week for baby making activities so I'll be doing a members only chat tonight at 7:00 pm Pacific time as a bit of a make up. We're also hoping to do a few shoots this evening.
Wooo-hoo!! Yesterday I got a call from my therapist saying she has written up my report and recommendation for HRT and can send it off to my doctor as soon as I send her the release form. It feels really good to be done with this initial phase and to know that I'll be starting another new and exciting phase soon. How soon is still a little up in the air.
We still have no sign of a baby and have started looking into banking some sperm. It's something we had planned on doing anyway, so it's not like an added burden or anything. I just might have to bank a bit more than I originally planned if we don't get pregnant in October. Hopefully my little spermies are active and out in full force. We'll have to see.
Today I'm heading down to the court house to file papers for a name change. It shouldn't be that big of a deal. I just need to fill out the form, pay some fees and go before a judge next week. The judge gets the final say in an approval or not. I know there are some horror stories out there about anti-trans judges causing people all kinds of grief. I haven't heard anything about our local judge but I don't expect any troubles. Keep your fingers crossed ;-)
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Trixie's sister and nephew were here Thurs-Sun and her mom was here Fri-Sun. So I had a chance to come out to Trix's mom. She seemed to barely bat an eyelash over it. Her main concern was that I might contract AIDS from one of the countless unprotected, bare backing fuck sessions that I'd obviously be having and of course pass it on to her daughter. She was really awesome about it all, though she did have to giggle a few times when she looked over at me all dolled up and sitting at the dinner table. I think that's only natural though.
Tomorrow is my first session with the shrink. Her office is about 80 miles away so it's going to be a long day. I'm pretty excited and a little nervous about seeing her for the first time. She seems really cool though and invited Trixie to join us for the first few sessions. It usually takes 3 months before a therapist will write a letter for the mones. Since we are so far away we'll be doing 90 min sessions every other week.
Wednesday I go in to get my face zapped. It will be the first of 8 sessions and should knock out the majority of my facial hair by the time it's finished. Apparently hair grows in cycles and laser is most effective for hair which is in the anagen phase which is why you have to have multiple sessions. Anyway, I'm pretty excited about starting that whole process. It should make for a pretty busy week.
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