It seems like recently I've been having a harder time "passing", though not in the way you might think. There are certain things that I still do in "boy mode" more or less out of necessity or convenience. Things like going to the gym which presents a bit of problem when it comes to showers, sauna, steam room, and bathroom facilities which are located in the locker rooms. I'll probably drop my membership after I start on hormones and look for other exercise options. But for now I've just been going in my "boy mode". This is usually consists of a pair of pants, a T-shirt, a baggy pull over fleece top, a puffy vest, and a ball cap with my hair pulled back in a pony tail. No one there has ever said anything about my vanishing facial hair, my smoothly shaven legs or my workout habits which consists of cardio and lower body training.
So lately my look has been kind of a boyish/androgynous one when I'm not intentionally trying to present as a female (i.e. with make up, hair styled, wearing a dress, skirt, bra and breast forms, etc.). I don't know why, but it was surprising to me when I started getting ma'amed and missed and referred to with feminine pronouns much more often in this boy/andro mode. A while back when I was shopping with Trixie the sales person asked how us ladies were doing. More recently a waitress asked, "What can I get for you ladies today?" while I was having lunch with Trixie's mom and sister. A sales person at the local hardware store asked me "Are you finding everything okay, ma'am?" just the other day. The ultimate compliment however, happened at the grocery when I totally got cruised by a butch dyke in the meat and seafood isle. That one had me grinning for the rest of the day.
This all has me thinking more about passing/blending and the amount of effort it really takes to be sucessful. When I am dressed in obviously feminine attire I don't seem to worry as much about some things like which restroom I should use. And when I'm in a more androgynous look I don't seem to be as conscious about how other people are perceiving me. I think once I start on hormones my somewhat exaggerated feminine look will start to merge with my andro/boyish look and I'll end up right about where I want to be. I guess that's already starting to happen. I'm just looking forward to the day when insides finally match up with my outsides.
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I'm a little ahead of the game on posting a Valentine's shoot this year. I posted a set of pictures last week and will be doing a video this week. We took them while we were in Portland a few weeks ago.
The main reason we were down in Portland was to meet with my doctor and make sure that everything was okay with me before starting on hormone replacement therapy. Everything went pretty well, though my liver function was a little off. They just want to keep an eye on it so I'll have to do another blood test in a month or so.
I'll be starting out with a fairly low dosage of estrogen (estradiol) and a testostorone "blocker" spironolactone. I've been taking regular aspirin to reduce the chance of any blood clotting but the Dr said I could just use the childrens chewable which is nice to know. So I have the prescriptions in hand now it's just a matter of getting pregnant. There is more on that subject here.
I had cancel my cam shows this week for baby making activities so I'll be doing a members only chat tonight at 7:00 pm Pacific time as a bit of a make up. We're also hoping to do a few shoots this evening.
Hope everyone made it home safe and sound after ringing in '08. I also hope you weren't too hung over today. We stayed in last night and had a pretty quite and sober evening. We are both recovering from colds and don't usually do much on New Year's Eve anyway.
I thought I'd share a few lines from some of the last emails I received in 2007. One email from someone who has been a member to my site in the past:
Not sure why but I keep trying other sites and I am ALWAYS disappointed. Your personal efforts and extra touches make your site worth every penny.
And one from a new member who just joined:
Just want to say I love your website. I have been coming across a few of your pictures and was tempted to join your site for the last year or so. But tonight I just had to join. And I am not regretting it. Fucking awesome.
It's so nice to get those little pats on the back every now and then. Especially this time of the year when people naturally tend to mull over the past year and look at the ups and downs. Sometimes when you're at it week in and week out, doing cam shows, planning photo shoots, editing pictures and video, updating, promoting, networking, blogging it's easy to start wondering if it's all worth it. Then you get an email like one of those above and it's like . . . yeah, people really do appreciate it all.
It's exciting to me to be able to look back and see the growth both in terms of the content we have created and our membership base. I mean it hasn't been huge and it has been a bit erratic at times on a smaller scale but overall we've seen pretty steady growth. It's also exciting to look ahead to 2008 and all the plans and changes that are just on the horizon. It should make for an interesting year.
Tomorrow I go in for my 7th laser treatment. My facial hair really thinned out after the last treatment. I'm hoping these next few sessions will leave me smoother than a baby's tushy. I can't wait to be done with it.
In a few weeks I'll be going to my first doctors appointment to get the ball rolling on HRT. I'm pretty excited about that. I have to call tomorrow and see if they recommend freezing anymore semen before starting on the mones.
I changed my cam show days around this week. They will be on Sunday and Monday now both from 7-8 pm Pacific Time. Hope to see you there ;-)
Upcoming Events for Members: SHOW Sunday 7-8 pm Pacific Time. Click on the CamZ link on Members-Only page. JOIN NOW for access.
Wooo-hoo!! Yesterday I got a call from my therapist saying she has written up my report and recommendation for HRT and can send it off to my doctor as soon as I send her the release form. It feels really good to be done with this initial phase and to know that I'll be starting another new and exciting phase soon. How soon is still a little up in the air.
We still have no sign of a baby and have started looking into banking some sperm. It's something we had planned on doing anyway, so it's not like an added burden or anything. I just might have to bank a bit more than I originally planned if we don't get pregnant in October. Hopefully my little spermies are active and out in full force. We'll have to see.
Today I'm heading down to the court house to file papers for a name change. It shouldn't be that big of a deal. I just need to fill out the form, pay some fees and go before a judge next week. The judge gets the final say in an approval or not. I know there are some horror stories out there about anti-trans judges causing people all kinds of grief. I haven't heard anything about our local judge but I don't expect any troubles. Keep your fingers crossed ;-)
Upcoming Events for Members: SHOW Friday and Sunday 4-5 pm Pacific Time. Click on the CamZ link on Members-Only page. JOIN NOW for access.
