I've been feeling a little shift in gears in my transition recently. Kind of like I'm settling into it a bit. Like when you hit cruising gear after accelerating for awhile. Or maybe it's just 2nd or 3rd gear or something.
Once again this year Trixie and I attended a local transgender conference. The past two years we've only been able to be there for the weekend. We also were one of the couples on a panel discussion on TG relationships. This year it was just us and one other couple, a female to male (FTM) transsexual and his female partner. It was interesting to hear things from the other perspective, especially the shift in sexual identity within the couple. In some ways it was a reversal of what we are going through as a couple. Although Trixie and I both identify as pansexual/omnisexual so I don't think our own sexual identities have really shifted much. The way we are perceived as a couple by society has shifted though from a hetero couple to lesbian, the exact opposite of what the other couple was going through.
I also attended a great little workshop while we were there on feminizing your voice with Kathe Perez. Kathe is a Speech-Language Pathologist who specializes in voice feminization. I did a one on one session with her too later in the day which was really cool. Nice to get some feedback and a few tips and pointers as well as some take home exercises. She has a CD series, Fundamentals of Your Feminine Voice, that I picked up while I was there also. I haven't made my way through the whole set yet but it seems like it has some pretty good tips and exercises. I think it's really going to help me focus on the the areas I need to improve in order to have a more natural feminine sounding voice. Eventually I would like my singing voice to have a feminine ring to it too. I haven't been playing my guitar much lately because everytime I start to sing something my male voice comes through and it just sounds weird to me and freaks me out a little.
Speaking of things that are natural and feminine . . . my boobs seem to really be starting to shape up. This picture and the one up top are from my latest members update. There are some really beautiful shots in this set. We took them right around sunset so they have a nice warm glow to them :-)
A few weeks ago I did something not so good to my back. I'm not sure exactly what I did to cause it. I think I may have tweaked it a little when I was shooting a POV video of Trixie giving me a blow job. I tried doing some stretching later on and I think I may have over twisted or something only making it even worse. Our soft and sagging mattress didn't help things either. I was waking up in the middle of the night in pain and having to get up and lay on the floor in sleeping bag with my legs propped up. I finally got a sheet of 3/4" plywood and slid it in between the mattress and the box spring. That helped a lot. I've been doing a lot of light stretching and taking things pretty easy lately and I'm feeling a lot better.
The whole ordeal made me feel old and feeble. It really made me appreciate what it must be like elderly with all the aches and pains. It's funny how having your mobility limited can effect you mentally. It really put me into a bit of a funk.
I was a little bummed out the last time I went in for my laser treatment. They had a new esthetician there who actually worked at the old place I went to. So the treatment wasn't nearly as good as the first time I went. I made sure to request the same person who did it before for my next appointment coming up next week.
On the boobage front things seem to be going quite well. My breasts are continuing to grow and are still pretty sore. My areolas are looking noticeably bigger. I did end up taking my nipple rings out after going back and forth on it for so long. It is nice to be able to feel nipples without any metal in the way. Trixie has been enjoying them also. It feels incredible when she sucks on them and plays with them when we're having sex.
This is actually the last set of pictures I did with my nipple rings in. The full gallery is now available in my Members Area. I also posted a new video update for my Trans Vlog where I spend a lot of time playing with my budding titties ;-) That ended up being more fun than I thought it was going to be!
So I went to a new hairdresser this week because I wanted to find someone who knows how to cut curly hair a little better than the person that I had been going to. I've been procrastinating a bit on this because I was totally out to my old hairdresser. I always presented as a female when I went to her but she knows that I am a transsexual so there was never any of the awkward tension that I sometimes feel when I'm around people who don't know that I am trans. I know it shouldn't matter to me what people think and I should just be myself, do my thing and to hell with what anybody else thinks about it. But the truth is I still get hung up on whether I am "passable" or not in social settings and how people are perceiving me.
I've gotten to the point now where I can usually tell the moment someone clocks my T. There's a certain look of recognition I notice in the eyes and face, followed by a shift in their demeanor and tone in their voice. The first few times it happened I think I let it really get to me. I would have a deer in the headlights type of reaction for a split second and then try to finish up whatever it was that I was doing and get out of where ever I was asap with as little eye contact as possible. It was an instinctual reaction that I felt at a gut level. At times I felt betrayed by my adrenal system. I could feel my heartbeat quicken and face get warmer as I slipped into flight or fight mode.
I know that reaction sends the wrong message to people. It tells them that I am ashamed or embarrassed by who I am, that I am doing something wrong and it probably reinforces a sense of moral superiority in some people. I'm starting to get over it though and slowly learning not to let it shake me or at least not to show it if it does.
So a few days ago I went to see my new hairdresser. I should mention that the woman that I was originally going to had her own shop where she was the only one doing hair. It was very much a one on one situation. The place that I'm going to now is more of a salon and day spa experience with multiple chairs, hooded hair dryers, a big washing and rinsing sink, the works.
Before I left for my appointment I was feeling confident in my overall appearance. I had a nice day look going on with my make up. I was wearing a tank top with a long sleeved shirt over it and a long skirt. Trixie convinced me to ditch the flats that I was wearing and go with my boots. I'm still a pretty self-conscious of my height and the boots add a few inches but definitely were a better match for the outfit.
In the parking lot I checked myself one more time in the rear view mirror before heading into the salon. On the way there a women stopped me on the street and asked me where a good place to get sea food was, so obviously I was looking friendly and approachable. Once inside I had to wait a few minutes for my stylist to finish up with a client. The receptionist offered me some coffee or water while I thumbed through some fashion magazines. I declined because I didn't want to have to get up and pee right in the middle of everything. Finally my stylist was ready for me and lead me back to her chair after a friendly introduction.
Nice, I had a chair back by the corner window with a great view of the water. She put draped the cape over me and attached around my neck then asked me what I wanted to have done with my hair. I told her and after a brief discussion she got started. She spun me around in the chair so I was facing the mirror and that's when my mind started in. I looked up and saw my big male face staring back at me. With my hair pulled back the overhead lights were glaring down on my thick arches of my brow bone. With the black cape pulled up around my neck my masculine jaw and chin seemed even more prominent. As the stylist started foiling in some color for my highlights we engaged in a little casual conversation but all I could think about was whether or not she had clocked me yet. I tried to relax and kept telling myself it didn't matter but it was hard not to wonder.
The conversation continued. Something about boots - did I say cowBOY boots? I meant to say cowGIRL boots. Oh dear God she must know now. She spun me around so I was facing the rest of the room. Two other women were getting their hair done. I suddenly felt like all eyes were on me as they sized me up. Finally she spun me back around. A minute later someone burst into laughter. Obviously someone had cracked some kind of joke about me, I mean what other explanation could there be.
Finally the highlights were done and my hair was ready to be rinsed out. As I leaned back in the chair by the sink I felt my neck stretch out while my head tilted back. I swallowed once and felt my adam's apple bobbing up and down. It must have been obvious to her at that point. I mean it was right there in her face. As I walked back over to the chair for my cut there was some chatting and giggling going on between the receptionist and another stylist. Again I was convinced that I was obviously the topic of their conversation.
She finished up with the cut and set my hair in nice curly style, all the while complimenting me on my beautiful ringlets. After sitting under the dryer for awhile I made my way back to the chair once again for the final inspection. She had done a great job and staring back at me in the mirror was my old feminine looking self once again. As I walked back up to the front to pay, one of the other stylists remarked on how beautiful my hair looked and even went so far as to say I looked like a model. I have a feeling they all knew that I was trans by the time I left but in the end it didn't really matter. I had the cut and look I was hoping for, everyone was really nice to me and I now have someone who knows how to do my hair the way I like it rather than settling for someone who I was unsatisfied with.
I know I let some things get to me that I shouldn't and I am starting to get better with it. I do think being on hormones has helped me feel more relaxed and confident. I still really want to have some facial surgery done soon though. I think it would do wonders for my self esteem. Until I can save up enough though I'll just have to get by with what I have and keep working at it.
Hormones! I feel like my body is really starting to feel the effects of being on hormones for almost four months now. It seems like there are a lot of little changes that have been happening at a really gradual rate. At times it feels like watching paint dry or something. Slowly breasts are starting to emerge from my flattened chest. My skin has been getting softer and smoother. My hair feels like it's softer, less coarse, and a bit more shiny. My ass is beginning to round out a bit and my facial features are starting to soften some.
I've also been having this strange sensation lately, like something is stirring inside me at an emotional level. I know it sounds a bit trite but I feel kind of like I'm just waking up after a long sleep or the fog is finally starting to lift. I'm starting to feel more in tune. Sometimes it seems like I can feel the estrogen moving through my veins and pulsing through my body. Kind of a faint tingling sensation that makes me feel like I'm more alive. I feel like my whole body is resonating at a higher frequency, where it should have been long ago. Like things are starting to sync up on a bunch of different levels.
When I first hit puberty and my body started cranking out the testosterone my brain was like WTF? It's like somehow the wires got crossed and my brain started to function differently. Parts of my mind shut down. I became more socially isolated. My verbal communication skills began to dwindle. I began to lose touch with my feelings growing more and more emotionally numb. I spent less time with others and more time on my own. My whole outlook on life was apathetic. I knew something was wrong but I had no idea what it was or even how to express what it was that I was feeling.
I know that puberty is a really hard part of anyone's life but for me it was especially hard. My parents could see it and were concerned enough to send me to a shrink. I only saw him a few times and never trusted him enough to talk to him about my crossdressing habits. I think I just thought he would blab to my parents and I would end up getting in trouble for it so I just told him what I thought he wanted to hear; just enough to get him off my back so I wouldn't have to go see him any more.
When I first starting telling people that I had started HRT a few transsexual friends said "Welcome to second puberty". I think in a large part this is like going through a second puberty. I also feel like the initial stage of it is wiping out some of the damage done by my first bout with puberty. Kind of like I'm reversing my male puberty while I'm starting my female puberty. So today I feel like I'm close to where those two intersect at some kind of hormonal crossroads. Like I've reached equilibrium between the amount of testostorone and estrogen in my body and now I'm ready for the second puberty to really kick in.
Of course there are other factors in my life right now that are contributing to this sense of overall well being. I quit drinking and started on a path of recovery from alcoholism at the same time I started on HRT. So sobriety has given me a new outlook on life as well. I also feel like I've been reconnecting and growing a bit spiritually which is another positive factor in my life. Overall though things just seem to heading in the right direction in my life for the first time in a very long time.
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2008 Tranny Awards
Something else exciting going on in my life is getting nominated for the 2008 Tranny Awards. I just wanted to thank all of you who went over and voted for me during the pre-nomintaions. I'm pretty excited and honored to be in the running for an award in the "Best TG Amateur Style Website" category. Here's the rundown of the other nominees:
It's a nice collection of sites. I was a little surprised to see some TS sites mixed in there when I first looked over the list, since they also have a "Best Solo TS Paysite or Paysite Operated by a TS" with the following sites nominated:
But they did include a asterisk with the following explanation: * these sites were selected into this category and not the Solo TS Paysite either because the model wasn't somebody who mainly worked as a "porn performer" or it's a very personal website - most of the sites in the other category are aided by larger companies whereas the "Amateur Style" is also for models who run more of the website themselves.
Which does make sense since some of the solo TS models don't actually have much input into there sites or the sites are run big production companies with fat budgets. But on the other hand a few of the sites in the "amateur style" category do have other companies doing design and promotion work for them and aren't run completely by the models themselves. So I think they need to refine the parameters a little in the future to better define the categories. I think they are off to a pretty good start though, considering all the obstacles.
I just wanted to wish everyone a very happy and safe holiday season before it slips by me once again this year. We've had our little pink tree up for a few weeks now and I strung up some lights outside. Not a huge display, but just enough to put a festive glow on the house. It's getting dark just after 4:00 pm here so it's nice to have some cheery lights on when it's cold and dark and wet outside.
We'll be spending Christmas with Trixie's family this year which is nice since they all know I'm transitioning and are cool with it. I have yet to come out to anyone on my side of the family. I'm hoping to time that with Trixie being pregnant, which is something I know they will be happy about. Then I'll just sort of slip in the whole trans thing . . . "oh and by the way I'm a transsexual." Not only do they get the great news that they're getting a new grandchild but also that the son they always thought they had is actually the daughter that they always wanted. What a joyous day that will be ;-) In the meantime I'll continue to play the role of son just as I always have.
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I really loved how this toe sock gallery turned out. I don't usually focus on my feet in most of the shoots we do, but this one was a feet-for-all bonanza!!!
Well it's official. My name is now legally changed. My driver license expires at the end of the month so soon I'll have a photo ID that actually matches up with my new name. The gender will still officially be male though. While changing ones name still remains relatively easy these days, changing ones gender status is a little more tricky.
Right now I am sticking with the M status for a variety of reasons. The most important reason would have to be that Trixie and I want to be married before we are legally the same gender. Although Washington is a fairly progressive state, the battle over same sex marriage is still very much in limbo. Right now Trixie and I are considered heterosexuals and "man and woman". As long as we are married under those circumstances then we have a legal marriage and no one can take that away.
It's strange to me that I could bank my sperm, have a sex change, change my legal gender status from male to female, inseminate my girlfriend, have a child together and still not be eligible to be married or receive all the recognition and benefits that EVERY OTHER heterosexual couple in this country is eligible for WITHOUT question.
So . . . this week I'll be skipping my live cam shows in order to save my "special juices" for Trixie during her fertile time. I'll be posting a few archived shows during the weekend to make up for it. Of course you can always check out how the baby making is coming live on our spycams too ;-)
Wooo-hoo!! Yesterday I got a call from my therapist saying she has written up my report and recommendation for HRT and can send it off to my doctor as soon as I send her the release form. It feels really good to be done with this initial phase and to know that I'll be starting another new and exciting phase soon. How soon is still a little up in the air.
We still have no sign of a baby and have started looking into banking some sperm. It's something we had planned on doing anyway, so it's not like an added burden or anything. I just might have to bank a bit more than I originally planned if we don't get pregnant in October. Hopefully my little spermies are active and out in full force. We'll have to see.
Today I'm heading down to the court house to file papers for a name change. It shouldn't be that big of a deal. I just need to fill out the form, pay some fees and go before a judge next week. The judge gets the final say in an approval or not. I know there are some horror stories out there about anti-trans judges causing people all kinds of grief. I haven't heard anything about our local judge but I don't expect any troubles. Keep your fingers crossed ;-)
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Bloggers Block I've had a bit of writer's block lately. I'm not sure why but it's kind of strange. I've sat down a few times in the past week wanting to blog about something and end up just staring at the keyboards for awhile, getting frustrated and moving onto something else. So I'm just going to ramble a bit in hopes of freeing up.
Yesterday was therapy day. I think it was a pretty good session. I feel like things are still moving a little slow as far as my transition is going. I'm still not full time and I'm feeling like I need to push my comfort zone a little more. I do think once Trixie is pregnant and I start on hormones things will start moving a lot quicker. We've been having sex as much as possible lately so hopefully we'll see some results by the end of the month.
I had my 3rd laser treatment last week and my face doing that funny sprouting thing right now. Once they zap the follicle the hair that was under the skin slowly and randomly pushes out to the surface. It seems to be the most stubborn around my upper lip and chin area. The rest of my face and neck seem to be clearing up pretty well.
I've also been letting my email pile up in the last few weeks. So tonight I'm going to spend some time replying to people. If you've written lately and I haven't gotten back to you yet, I will . . . sooner or later.
Whats Cookin'? I made a yummy dinner last night of quinao, shitake mushrooms and onions stir fried in a little sesame oil with sauce made out of shitake sesame salad dressing mixed with a little teriyaki sauce. I also cut up some rainbow chard and stir fried that with some olive oil, balsamic vinegar and soy sauce and topped it off with a bit of nutritional yeast. For dessert I sliced and peeled some yellow mango and plumcots.
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I was up pretty late last night putting the finishing touches on this week's update.
Full Gallery appearing in my Members-Only area with Friday 06/08 update JOIN NOW for access to ALL of my pics & vids!
Full Gallery appearing in my Members-Only area with Friday 06/08 update JOIN NOW for access to ALL of my pics & vids!
Trixie and I had a little meeting last week about what our personal changes are going to mean for our sites. We set up a rough outline of the changes that needed to be made and how we're going to adapt a new set of circumstances. I think we have a pretty good idea of where we are heading with our sites and are starting to come together with a common vision.
Last week I also sent out my monthly newsletter with my May Updates preview. I basically let everyone know that I was transitioning and that there would be a few changes coming soon. For one thing I'll be adding *another* one hour cam show by the end of the month. I'll also be adding a few hours of video chat during the week. So there will be even more personal interaction.
It's always a little exciting to me to know that my newsletter is sent out in bulk to thousands of people. I like imagining just how many people will actually be inticed into buying a membership. Usually the percentage is actually pretty low. I think most people just are happy to get a little free porn, nothing wrong with that. But I do usually see a little jump in sales after sending it out which makes it worth the hassle of putting it all together each month.
I usually keep the message simple and let the content speak for itself. This month I did add the fact that the I am transitioning and it does add some financial burden. I also added that if you are thinking about joining or have been a member in the past and enjoyed my site, than now would be a great time to sign up for a membership as a show of support. Personally I hate being solicited for money, even if it is for a cause I totally agree with. So I hope it wasn't a turn off for people or end up coming across in the wrong way. I'm actually pretty lucky to do what I do for a living and always thankful to those that have helped me out in one way or another along the way. Just getting some of the email and feedback from people has been really encouraging. It's gonna be a long and challenging journey and I'm glad I've got some good people out there looking out for me.
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"So, first of all, let me assert my firm belief that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror which paralyzes needed efforts to convert retreat into advance." FDR’s First Inaugural Address
Today we are going over to visit Trixie's sister, brother in law and nephew (hehehe . . . kinda sounds like Twisted Sister. Dee Schnieder will not be there). They are going to be the first people I tell that I'm transitioning. I don't think it's going to be that big of a deal to them. They know I dress and they know about the websites and everything and they are cool with it. They have never actually seen me as Delia though. So I'm not sure what their reaction will be when we tell them that their son is going to have two aunties. I'm not sure how they'll react to seeing me in person for the first time either.
It's exactly this sort of fear of the unknown that has kept me in the closet for so long. Fear of rejection, of not being accepted for who I am by people that I love, admire, and care about. What makes it a bit harder for me is that I am also a fairly "sensitive" person. I've learned to put on a good facade over the years and I think living with Trixie has helped thicken my skin a bit ;-)~~ I think having some of the life experience that I have is going to make things a bit easier too.
And the beat goes on. These are a few sample pics from this weeks gallery. The pink apron was just too fucking adorable!!! You'll never guess where those pink latex covered fingers ended up either . . . well, some of you might ;-)
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Full Gallery appearing in my Members-Only area with Friday 5/25 update JOIN NOW for access to ALL of my pics & vids!
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