I've been asked a few times why I waited so long to transition. Part of the reason is that openly expressing one's gender when it is outside of societal norms can be a dangerous act. An act that opens one up to harassment, verbal and physical abuse and may even result in death. It's something that to this day freaks me the fuck out. And try as I may to wrap my brain around just what is so threatening about us transgender people that others would feel compelled to lash out in such brutal and violent manners is still beyond my comprehension. So that fear of physical and mental abuse was part of what kept me in the closet for so long.
What changed? I made a conscious decision to not let my life be run by fear. It's a work in progress. Making the decision to allow myself to transition and slowly coming out to people was a good start. I still have a lot of fears, some rational some irrational. I have yet to conquer them all and grapple with many of them on a daily basis.
I think part of being transgender is learning to live with some degree of fear. Fear of being ostracized by your friends and family, fear of discrimination and harassment in the work place, fear of restrooms and locker rooms, fear of other people's fear, ignorance, hatred, intolerance and bigotry just to name a few. Having a few healthy fears is good thing. I mean fear of death is a large part of what keeps us alive. It helps prevent us from walking through fires or down dark allies when we're alone at night. Transgender people have so many fears and insecurities to deal with. It would just be nice to live in a world with a little less fear. A world where people didn't get killed well, just because they are transgender.
Be sure to check out Stopping The Hate to learn more about hate crimes being committed to members of the GLBT community and what is being done to prevent them.
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Trixie's sister and nephew were here Thurs-Sun and her mom was here Fri-Sun. So I had a chance to come out to Trix's mom. She seemed to barely bat an eyelash over it. Her main concern was that I might contract AIDS from one of the countless unprotected, bare backing fuck sessions that I'd obviously be having and of course pass it on to her daughter. She was really awesome about it all, though she did have to giggle a few times when she looked over at me all dolled up and sitting at the dinner table. I think that's only natural though.
Tomorrow is my first session with the shrink. Her office is about 80 miles away so it's going to be a long day. I'm pretty excited and a little nervous about seeing her for the first time. She seems really cool though and invited Trixie to join us for the first few sessions. It usually takes 3 months before a therapist will write a letter for the mones. Since we are so far away we'll be doing 90 min sessions every other week.
Wednesday I go in to get my face zapped. It will be the first of 8 sessions and should knock out the majority of my facial hair by the time it's finished. Apparently hair grows in cycles and laser is most effective for hair which is in the anagen phase which is why you have to have multiple sessions. Anyway, I'm pretty excited about starting that whole process. It should make for a pretty busy week.
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"So, first of all, let me assert my firm belief that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror which paralyzes needed efforts to convert retreat into advance." FDR’s First Inaugural Address
Today we are going over to visit Trixie's sister, brother in law and nephew (hehehe . . . kinda sounds like Twisted Sister. Dee Schnieder will not be there). They are going to be the first people I tell that I'm transitioning. I don't think it's going to be that big of a deal to them. They know I dress and they know about the websites and everything and they are cool with it. They have never actually seen me as Delia though. So I'm not sure what their reaction will be when we tell them that their son is going to have two aunties. I'm not sure how they'll react to seeing me in person for the first time either.
It's exactly this sort of fear of the unknown that has kept me in the closet for so long. Fear of rejection, of not being accepted for who I am by people that I love, admire, and care about. What makes it a bit harder for me is that I am also a fairly "sensitive" person. I've learned to put on a good facade over the years and I think living with Trixie has helped thicken my skin a bit ;-)~~ I think having some of the life experience that I have is going to make things a bit easier too.
And the beat goes on. These are a few sample pics from this weeks gallery. The pink apron was just too fucking adorable!!! You'll never guess where those pink latex covered fingers ended up either . . . well, some of you might ;-)
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Full Gallery appearing in my Members-Only area with Friday 5/25 update JOIN NOW for access to ALL of my pics & vids!
Upcoming Events for Members: SHOW Sunday 4-5 pm Pacific Time. Click on the CamZ link on Members-Only page. JOIN NOW for access.
