So I went to a new hairdresser this week because I wanted to find someone who knows how to cut curly hair a little better than the person that I had been going to. I've been procrastinating a bit on this because I was totally out to my old hairdresser. I always presented as a female when I went to her but she knows that I am a transsexual so there was never any of the awkward tension that I sometimes feel when I'm around people who don't know that I am trans. I know it shouldn't matter to me what people think and I should just be myself, do my thing and to hell with what anybody else thinks about it. But the truth is I still get hung up on whether I am "passable" or not in social settings and how people are perceiving me.
I've gotten to the point now where I can usually tell the moment someone clocks my T. There's a certain look of recognition I notice in the eyes and face, followed by a shift in their demeanor and tone in their voice. The first few times it happened I think I let it really get to me. I would have a deer in the headlights type of reaction for a split second and then try to finish up whatever it was that I was doing and get out of where ever I was asap with as little eye contact as possible. It was an instinctual reaction that I felt at a gut level. At times I felt betrayed by my adrenal system. I could feel my heartbeat quicken and face get warmer as I slipped into flight or fight mode.
I know that reaction sends the wrong message to people. It tells them that I am ashamed or embarrassed by who I am, that I am doing something wrong and it probably reinforces a sense of moral superiority in some people. I'm starting to get over it though and slowly learning not to let it shake me or at least not to show it if it does.
So a few days ago I went to see my new hairdresser. I should mention that the woman that I was originally going to had her own shop where she was the only one doing hair. It was very much a one on one situation. The place that I'm going to now is more of a salon and day spa experience with multiple chairs, hooded hair dryers, a big washing and rinsing sink, the works.
Before I left for my appointment I was feeling confident in my overall appearance. I had a nice day look going on with my make up. I was wearing a tank top with a long sleeved shirt over it and a long skirt. Trixie convinced me to ditch the flats that I was wearing and go with my boots. I'm still a pretty self-conscious of my height and the boots add a few inches but definitely were a better match for the outfit.
In the parking lot I checked myself one more time in the rear view mirror before heading into the salon. On the way there a women stopped me on the street and asked me where a good place to get sea food was, so obviously I was looking friendly and approachable. Once inside I had to wait a few minutes for my stylist to finish up with a client. The receptionist offered me some coffee or water while I thumbed through some fashion magazines. I declined because I didn't want to have to get up and pee right in the middle of everything. Finally my stylist was ready for me and lead me back to her chair after a friendly introduction.
Nice, I had a chair back by the corner window with a great view of the water. She put draped the cape over me and attached around my neck then asked me what I wanted to have done with my hair. I told her and after a brief discussion she got started. She spun me around in the chair so I was facing the mirror and that's when my mind started in. I looked up and saw my big male face staring back at me. With my hair pulled back the overhead lights were glaring down on my thick arches of my brow bone. With the black cape pulled up around my neck my masculine jaw and chin seemed even more prominent. As the stylist started foiling in some color for my highlights we engaged in a little casual conversation but all I could think about was whether or not she had clocked me yet. I tried to relax and kept telling myself it didn't matter but it was hard not to wonder.
The conversation continued. Something about boots - did I say cowBOY boots? I meant to say cowGIRL boots. Oh dear God she must know now. She spun me around so I was facing the rest of the room. Two other women were getting their hair done. I suddenly felt like all eyes were on me as they sized me up. Finally she spun me back around. A minute later someone burst into laughter. Obviously someone had cracked some kind of joke about me, I mean what other explanation could there be.
Finally the highlights were done and my hair was ready to be rinsed out. As I leaned back in the chair by the sink I felt my neck stretch out while my head tilted back. I swallowed once and felt my adam's apple bobbing up and down. It must have been obvious to her at that point. I mean it was right there in her face. As I walked back over to the chair for my cut there was some chatting and giggling going on between the receptionist and another stylist. Again I was convinced that I was obviously the topic of their conversation.
She finished up with the cut and set my hair in nice curly style, all the while complimenting me on my beautiful ringlets. After sitting under the dryer for awhile I made my way back to the chair once again for the final inspection. She had done a great job and staring back at me in the mirror was my old feminine looking self once again. As I walked back up to the front to pay, one of the other stylists remarked on how beautiful my hair looked and even went so far as to say I looked like a model. I have a feeling they all knew that I was trans by the time I left but in the end it didn't really matter. I had the cut and look I was hoping for, everyone was really nice to me and I now have someone who knows how to do my hair the way I like it rather than settling for someone who I was unsatisfied with.
I know I let some things get to me that I shouldn't and I am starting to get better with it. I do think being on hormones has helped me feel more relaxed and confident. I still really want to have some facial surgery done soon though. I think it would do wonders for my self esteem. Until I can save up enough though I'll just have to get by with what I have and keep working at it.
TGIF! It's another addition of the all new $Five4Friday$ where I post five of my pictures and encourage you the people to make a $5.00 donation to my boob and FFS fund. This week I'll be continuing with the Christmas theme bringing you five pictures from my Xmas Leopard set.
Chip in is all about helping someone out with small contributions. I like to think of it like an office situation where they take up a collection for a fellow worker. I imagine myself sitting in my cubicle working away on a Friday afternoon. Suddenly I notice it's gotten quiet, except for a murmur coming from the break room. When I decide to go investigate I am greeted with a surprise gathering with cake and mylar balloons. A co-worker cuts through the crowd and announces, "We heard what you were going through so me and the gang took up a collection", handing my an envelope he says, "It's not much, but hopefully it will help out a little." Bursting into tears, I am then surrounded by a big group hug. Then everyone eats cake and gets to go home early. Awwwww. That's sort of how I imagine it anyway. But since I'm self employed and the only person I work with is Trixie, I kind of have to rely on the old chip in plan or wait for the right sugar daddy to come along ;-) So if anyone feels like donating a five spot for my cause it would be greatly appreciated! Thank You!!!
I've been trying to think of some new ways to raise money for my boob and ffs fund lately. I've had the chip in (see sidebar) up for a few weeks now and people are starting to use it but nowhere near the rate I was hoping for. So, one of the ideas I came up with is this special weekly blog entry called $Five for Friday$. I'll be posting five of my favorite pictures from selected galleries and encouraging people to make a $5.00 contribution. The whole idea of chip in is to reach a monetary goal with lots of little donations. Of course you can contribute more or less if you like - or - skip it for now and just enjoy some free pics. I'm going to kick things off with some special holiday pictures we took last year with our super cool (at least we thought so) pink Christmas tree.
Since this is the first week I'll be doing this and I'm feeling the joyous holiday spirit I'm also going to throw in a little sample video from this shoot. You can see just how much I love my satin maribou slippers!!
Full Video and Gallery appearing in my Members-Only area Now! JOIN NOW for access to ALL of my pics & vids!
So . . . not to beat this thing to death or anything but . . . this is the $5.00 part of the $Five4Friday$ and your chance to contribute:
I was so excited yesterday when I got an email from Krissy from Krissy4U.com announcing that she would be donating 5% of her December sales to my boob and ffs fund. Krissy is from Portland and runs her own independent tg website like me. She puts her heart and soul into everything she does and it shows. It's such a great feeling to be getting that kind of support from within the industry especially from someone in the same little niche that we both occupy. I know many of you already know what a great job she does with her site but if you've never seen her site be sure to stop by and check it out.
Speaking of t-girls from Portland I wanted to let everyone know that the video that I shot with Mandy is now posted and available in my member's area. I posted it a few weeks ago but somehow forgot to mention it here. Here's a few stills I grabbed from the video.
I'll be doing two post Thanksgiving cam shows this week on Friday and Saturday. Members can check our schedule for details.
Upcoming Events for Members: SHOW Friday 5-6 pm Pacific Time. Click on the CamZ link on Members-Only page. JOIN NOW for access.
So I've been thinking a lot lately about having breast augmentation as well as facial feminization surgery (FFS) done. Some of you might have even noticed the new little chip-in widget on the sidebar. I set my monetary goal a little on the high side and will adjust it after having a few consultations and finally settling on a doctor. Then I'll be able to give a full break down of the costs.
My Boobs I'm still going to wait and see how much growth I get from hormones alone. I want my nipples and areaolas to be fully developed before I have any surgery done. I also want to give my skin a chance to stretch and expand as much as possible so once I do have implants they'll have a little something to work with.
As far as size goes I'm still a little undecided. I have a pretty large frame (average though tall for a male, large for a female) so the temptation is to go big, like D - DD. The thought of having big porn star boobs does have a certain appeal to me. I have to admit that it turns me on a bit to think about it and I have fantasized about having a huge rack before. My inclination though is to go a little larger than average like in the C cup range. Something that will look sexy and give me some nice cleavage but not be over the top or obscenely huge. Something that might turn a few heads but not cause any slack jawed gawking.
My Face The face is a little trickier. I know some of you think I have a pretty face as is and shouldn't alter it at all. I actually don't hate the way I look now. There are times when I look in the mirror and do feel pretty and happy with how feminine my face already looks. A few of my features however are very masculine and no matter how long I am on hormones those features will never change. They are the types of things that I would look at if I was trying to figure out if someone else was trans or not. It's another reason I didn't transition earlier in life. I truly thought that with my facial features there was just no way that I would be even be close to passable. I learned about FFS procedures about 10 years ago and it did give me some hope. But money was always an issue with me. I've spent most of my life just scraping by so the thought of even affording a procedure like that just seemed out of the question.
My two biggest areas of concern on my face are my brow and jaw. I have a pretty prominent brow bone with large superciliary arches. My ex-wife and I used to jokingly refer to it as my cromagnum forehead. You can really notice it on my profile and when overhead light is reflecting off of it. It also casts a shadow over my eyes and gives them a more sunken, brooding appearance.
I would like to have my brow recontoured using a procedure like the one mentioned here, where they basically reconstruct or fill in the frontal sinus lobe. A brow lift is also performed at this time in most cases. That would have the dual effect of bringing my eyebrows up to a more feminine position and decreasing wrinkles and frown lines on my forehead. The scalp is also advanced to create a more feminine hairline and decrease the length of the face.
I actually really like my nose. It's not that huge and is slightly upturned at the end. I've never considered having rhinoplasty done. However, most doctors recommend having some nose work done after major brow surgery. That's mostly to correct the angle and proportion.
I also have a very square and masculine looking jaw. It's probably the feature that I received the most compliments on as a male. So ideally I would like have it rounded out and narrowed a bit.
I don't have a huge chin but, again I would like to have it rounded and reduced a bit so it's closer to a female's proportion.
I have a fairly large Adam's Apple, though it doesn't stick out too badly. I've learned to do a few things to minimize it's appearance. It's still a pretty obvious tell on me. So having thyroid cartilage reduction (trach shave) is one more thing I would like to have done.
Hormones can have softening effect on facial features There are certain things however that will never change no matter how long you are on hormones, like the shape and size of your skull and jaw. I've heard a lot of transgender women say that having FFS done was the best decision and investment they ever made. There are a few horror stories out there and a few people on the fence as to whether it was worth it or not. I feel that I do have pretty good bone structure to start with and having these procedures done would really improve my look resulting in a much more feminine looking face. I think it could also increase my earning potential and longevity in the adult entertainment industry as well as open up a few new doors of opportunity.
So now all I have to do is save up some serious dough - thus the chip-in widget. If you feel like contributing to what *I* think is a worthy cause it would be greatly appreciated. 5 bucks, 10 bucks, 20 bucks, 100 bucks, 1000 bucks, every little bit helps. Be the first one to pop my chip-in cherry!!
If anyone has had FFS done please email me. I would love to hear about your experience and I have a few questions about different doctors and costs.
I'll leave you with this advice from one transwoman about whether or not to have FFS:
"Do it! Besides getting married, FFS was the single best decision I've ever made for myself. It's made my life immeasurably better. People smile at me more, and are more positive and sharing when talking to me. I don't have to worry about passing, or makeup - I can wake up in the morning, throw on a t-shirt, and head to the local convenience store without having to worry about having the right makeup on. I feel safer, knowing that I don't have to worry as much about harassment/assault because I look trans. I also feel much better about myself - I don't worry nearly as much about seeing "the old me" in the mirror."
Upcoming Events for Members: SHOW Monday 4-5 pm Pacific Time. Click on the CamZ link on Members-Only page. JOIN NOW for access.
